In a world filled with Russians invading the Ukraine, Ebola epidemics, terrorist organizations worse than Al-Queda, and KFC Double Downs. There’s people who complain about Pluto not being considered a planet anymore.
And then there’s me complaining about people complaining about Pluto not being considered a planet anymore.
Back in olden days of 2006 (We didn’t have iPhones back then and we had to kill all of our food with our bare hands, also the phrase “African American President” was associated with a SNL skit) The International Astronomical Union decided that it is in fact Adam and Eve (and Mercury and Venus and Earth and Mars and Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and Neptune) and not Adam and Eve and Pluto being considered a planet. So in response Pluto moved to San Francisco (and considering Pluto is only 2/3 the size of the Moon and the Moon isn’t even the largest moon in the solar system, Pluto didn’t take up all that much space and is now very proficient when it comes to riding his electric unicycle)
People railed at the gates of the IAU demanding that everyone’s favorite planet should be given equal rights regardless of how big God decided to make it, and that gravitational pull was not a choice but a natural occurrence. Be alas here we are 8 years later with our African American presidents and our KFC Double Downs being stolen by Russian terrorists with Ebola.
I understand where the pro-pluto-planeteers are coming from, we were all taught as children that Pluto is the ninth planet from the sun and that that My Very Eager Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas. Well after 2006 we will never know what nine things our eager mothers sent us. We’ll just have to assume it’s boxes of condoms that are a size too small and we’re never going to use anyway.
Also Americans are kind of dumb.
I’m an American and I’ll be the first to admit, we’re kinda dumb. Case in point, we always root for the underdog, even though we have the most highly trained military, largest navy, and most advanced air force, and have never lost to a foreign power in a traditional war, nor have ever been conquered. Other than the city of Detroit back in the War of 1812, but it’s Detroit.
My point being that the Empire was never explained to be evil, just the guys who blow up planets, we all just assume they’re bad guys because they all wear black, because we’re all subconsciously racist.
But we have to defend little Pluto because the big bad international committee made up of geniuses from around the world who take their work seriously and remove all form of emotion from their decisions on science took away the one little planet that America had discovered.
Yes Pluto is an American, Arizonan in fact, discovered in Flagstaff (and to this day the only good thing to come out of Flagstaff, since the only thing to come out of Flagstaff is NAU liberal arts majors). And some big international committee (“international” means European in American) said that it can’t play ball with all the other planets found by those stuffy Europeans. And Europeans are always bad guys in movies unless their name is James Bond, because their all inherently evil and trying to ruin America’s day, again, unless their name is James Bond.
Also in America, since we have to turn everything into a good vs evil match up, like to pretend that Science is a religion, and like a religion science can never be changed. Case in point there’s never been an example of a religion being changed from the original text or reinterpreted in some other way. Because God really did mean to give those detailed outlines on how to buy and sell slaves as allegory, and when he said “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” he always meant “Bros before hoes, yo”.
But Science not being a religion, but a tool used by humans to explain and categorize the world around us through predictable and repeatable results, recategorized Pluto as a dwarf planet, since it did not accurately categorize itself with the other planets, since it’s actions were not predictable and repeatable with normal planetary models, but those of other objects in the solar system we did not consider to be planets.
Because it’s not like Pluto was the eight planet in the solar system back in 1979, but the ninth back in 1999, since it’s goddamn orbit isn’t on the same plane as the rest of the solar system, but NO THAT JUST MAKES IT QURIKY!
My point being, and American by the name of Mike Brown teamed up with Xena the Warrior Princess and killed Pluto.
See much more interesting than “oh I was taught that there was nine plants, and now there’s eight, woe is me”
Yeah you were also told that Homo Sapiens and Homo Neanderthalensis were different species, but guess what, science decided that we’re all Homo Sapiens Sapiens and that the Homo Sapiens Neanderthalensis are actually our close cousins who we try to avoid at Thanksgiving because we sort of killed them all while settling Europe. (See Europeans have always been the bad guys). Yes we’re now a subspecies under the umbrella of Homo Sapiens, and frankly now being called Homo Sapiens Sapiens just proves that Scientist suck at naming things. Seriously they had the chance to rename the entire human population as Homo Sapiens Badassiens, but no we have to introduce ourselves to all the aliens as “Hi we’re the Homo Sapiens Sapiens, subspecies of the Homo Sapiens” and all the aliens we’ll think we’re kinda on the slow side of things, having a redundant species name “Hi we’re the wise wise men”, or they’ll think we’re a bunch of assholes because we say that we’re the wise men of the wise men. Thanks science, this is why we’ll never get invited to any alien parties, and I heard that the Orion girls are pretty easy and totally do hand and mouth stuff if you buy them dinner first.
But NO science making us all sound stupid is nothing in comparison to Pluto not being a planet anymore.
Anyway back to Xena the Warrior Princess.
Mike Brown discovered another, at this point, planet beyond Pluto, that was actually larger than Pluto and he named it Xena since Planet X sounded a little to0 sci-fi and he was more of a fantasy fan.
Since IAU being all European and evil thought that America, getting not just one, but two planets was way too out of line for their goals of killing all that is American (they’re also the reason why Bald Eagles were endangered, and the reason why the Commies got the bomb) decided that since there’s so many balls of rock and ice out there beyond Pluto that America can find and name after fictional princesses (their main concern was that we the advent of Adventure Time there will never be a shortage of princesses to name planets after, and unlike zoologists, astronomers were worried about how to explain that to the hot Orion girls why we named eight planets after powerful gods, one after dirt, and one after a princess who fought the gods, then just named one Bubblegum).
So the evil IAU said that there’s only eight planets, Mercury barely made the cut, but since he’s best buds with a ball of billions of nuclear explosions, no one wanted to fuck with Mercury. And thus Xena was renamed Eris, another princess that like to mess up everything.
America may have only found a dwarf planet back in 1930, it was an American with help, from Xena The Warrior Princess who killed a planet.
And frankly that story sounds a lot more badass than “oh I don’t like how things now are different from when I was young”
Well guess what Generation X, you’re old and irrelevant now, go back to watching Clerks and pretending you’re adding something to society.
Hey, they just call us humans, and there's no other name, don't bother checking.
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