You see Australia has New Zealand. France has Belgium. India has Nepal. Italy has Vatican City. And of course America has Canada.
Canada being the greatest Canada of them all, because it is America's.
You see a Canada is a country that is absolutely BFFs with it's country. Through thick and thin a country can always call on it's Canada to lend a hand.
Australia was dragged into World War 1, New Zealand was right there behind them with a joint military agreement. France needed somewhere to go on vacation without needing to spoil themselves with another language, Belgium open its arms wide in invitation. Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and the Canadian Prime Minister called up FDR and said "Hey man, real soreie to hear aboot that" (Canadians aren't the best at speaking American, but we give them credit because they try REALLY hard to do so). And as soon as FDR started unconstitutionally locking up all Japanese-Americans that live on the west coast, so did Canada, because that's true friendship, fear-mongering racism.
But there was one time in American-Canadian History (Abbreviated as American History), mainly the time the US invaded Canada four times, and burned down Toronto.
It's like wearing the same dress as your BFF to the Junior Prom
There was this little war that lasted about three years called The War of 1812 (That ended in 1815). Back in the day, Great Britain (before they copied the US and became the United Kingdom) didn't really get the whole "Revolutionary War" thing, in that they still kinda thought that the US was one of their colonies, and the same rules still applied.
So when Tuesday rolled around and Great Britain went to war with France (because it was Tuesday), they didn't realize that they were going up against Napoleonic France, which was like Super France, and they were getting their asses kicked.
But what does this have to do with Canada? You may ask. I reply, shut your clinch hole I'm tellin' a story.
Anyway Ol' GB was having a hard time with this whole Navy thing, even though they did have the world's largest Navy at this point, with a little under 200 hundred ships at this time, but all the sailors sucked ass. Mainly because being a common British sailor in the Royal Navy, was kinda like "slavery on the ocean" in terms of treatment. So whenever a Royal Navy ship ran across a US Navy ship, some sailors would put on their counterfeit New York Giants Jerseys and throw on their best Brooklyn accent and jump ship singing the "America Fuck Yeah!" song as not to arouse suspicion and ride the winds to a better world where white people didn't enslave other white people, but instead enslaved brown people.
Since the US Navy was pretty awesome even back in the day, also it had 14 ships, if that helps present a better picture of how crappy the Royal Navy was.
When it came time for Parliament (the British rip-off of Congress) to find someone to blame for how the British kept losing all the naval battles to Super France, they blamed America for being too awesome.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CANADA AND TORONTO BEING SET ON FIRE?!
You scream with impatience.
I'M GETTING THERE YOU CHILD!
I scream back with incontinence.
To answer this whole US being too awesome problem the Royal Navy would pull over US Navy ships and kidnap sailors saying they were runaway British sailors. And considering that there wasn't much of a difference between the American and British accents and American and British dental hygiene back then, no one could really make a case ether way, other than the British having bigger guns on board.
Considering that the US had only 14 ships and these stops happened at least thrice, that means that more than 20% of the US Navy had been boarded by the Royal Navy.
And Congress was pissed.
So Congress decided that the US, a country only a little over 30 years old, will go to war with a centuries old empire with the world largest and strongest Army and Navy, again.
Granted we beat them the first time, but they were kinda bogged down with the whole crazy king who pooped purple and thought he was a cat.
They had him stare at a wind-chime to get him to sit still long enough for the painting
So the master plan for this war was made. The US will invade Canada. And so the US did, four times. And failed, four times.
Canada and Russia have one thing in common, don't invade them during the winter. For that was the reason why America failed the first three times. Learning from their thrice repeated mistakes America invaded in the Spring and got so far as to burn Toronto to the ground. And by burring Toronto to the ground I mean, burned down the fort in the city and the Parliament building.
Justified because the US holds the copyright to legislative branches of government after the original holder, the Roman Empire, didn't renew the licensee, mainly due to the whole not existing anymore. And the whole burning to the ground. (Which was the Germans' fault)
So in response the British landed outside Washington D.C and burned it to the ground. And by burned it to the ground, I mean burned the White House, Congressional Building, and Library of Congress, and dozens of other government buildings to the ground. While also finding all of the typewriters in the city and smashing the "C" keys on all of them (the reason for which will become apparent soon).
Yet the British wonder why we always cast them as Nazis in our films.
(It's because you're a bunch of dicks.)
Expect for Martin Freeman, he's the best.
So then a bunch of other war stuff happened, and no one won anything. Actually not exactly true, the US won Oregon and Washington (the state not the pile of ashes), and Canada got Detroit. But since it's Detroit, Canada gave it back without saying anything and the US didn't noticed until 1987 and then made RoboCop.
So why do Canadians think they won the War of 1812? You might be asking if you've managed to follow this line of insanity and still remember the title of this post.
It all has to do with goals. War is about goals. Alexander wanted to conquer all the places that had names on it, and so he did, because he made a goal. The Allies wanted Hitler to go to hell, and they didn't stop warring until he did. North Korea wants South Korea to be South-North Korea, and South Korea wants North Korea to just go away, and seeing as the North will have a hard time conquering the South and countries can't just fly away, the war hasn't ended yet.
Outside of that one episode of Doctor Who
The goals of the War of 1812: The ReRevolution, was the US to take over Canada and make it New Canada 1-6, and the British wanted have unlimited access to the Mississippi river so they could move stuff (not slaves since Black people don't live in Canada, and I can't imagine what else you would use cargo ships for prior to China becoming the world's factory) from the Bahamas to Canada. Which they planned on keeping British (and kinda French).
As you may have noticed, Canada doesn't sing about amber seas of wheat, instead they sing of amber seas of syrup. Which we Americans happily import in exchange for cheaper gas prices so that Canadians can drive down here to fill up.
Because America is the home of the free and the land of the brave. And Canada is the home of the free health care and the land of the heavily taxed.
My argument is that no one really won the War of 1812, since neither country's goals were met. Also the fact that Canada wasn't even a country.
Because if Canada can claim that they won the War of 1812, that means us here in the US can say we beat them in the French-Indian War (or that one Tuesday that caused us to raise taxes in the American Colonies and sparked the American Revolution as they call it in the UK, or When We Started Speaking English as they call it in Canada). In that cause, we totally took over your capital and made you speak another language you frenchies!
See, don't really like it huh Canada, that's because that wouldn't be fair. Since we also weren't a country at that point in time.
Another point of contention is that the Canadians claim that since they burned down Washington DC, they won the War of 1812. To that I say:
A) We burned down Toronto first, so that means we win and you're a bunch of sore losers
B) There wasn't any Canadians at the razing of Washington, it was the Royal Navy
C) In Civilization Rules you can only capture an enemy capital and not raze it, therefor you were hacking
D) The Royal Navy was lead by Rear Admiral Cockburn, and you really want a guy with that last name to be your national hero?
Cockburn was they guy who wanted all the "C" keys to be smashed, so that no one could make fun of his name.
So here's more proof that Canada didn't win the War of 1812.
I can post this.
and
I can post this
I'm not saying that the US won the War of 1812, if so we wouldn't be having this argument. I just want us to agree that we were both in the wrong and we made bad decisions in the past that hurt each other. And to that I say:
Canada, will you go to Prom with me? - <3 America.
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