Four-Year-Olds

Children are literally the worse. If somehow I manage to breed and raise a child, and you happen to be the child in question who has somehow learned to read, let alone survived long enough to be able to read under my parenting, I want you to know, you're literally the worse.

You stole everything from me, my youth, my dreams, your mother's beauty (who may or may not be married to me, you never know), my money, my car (which you've probably scratched or will scratch you little/big shit), and everything else that has ever brought me even the slightest iota of joy in my life.

At least that's what my dad told me, and I feel like it's a tradition worth keeping in the family.

So yes, children are the worst things to ever happen to humanity since we all decided to stand-up right and grow big-ass brains.

Yes that put us on the moon, but that also gave us: existential crises, mortgages, student loans, war, Detroit, the deforestation of the Amazon rain forest, Chernobyl, a possible nuclear armageddon, the Transformers film franchise, complex emotions, realizing that we'll never live to see a day that humanity will truly understand the nature of the universe, painful childbirth caused by the shrinking of the birth canal when becoming bipedal combined with larger skulls in newborns due to an increase in brain size, the SAT test, World War 1, Hitler, and many other things that have claimed the lives of billions of people and animals around the world.

Other than diseases that's all Mother Nature's bizniz right there.

The worst of all though, children, specifically four-year-olds.

You see there comes two major points of childhood development between the 0-4 years of age. Other than the whole, walking, talking, pooping in the toilet, and all that other boring stuff.

Around the age of three, children learn how to lie, as in now they understand what the truth is (reality) and how they can give information to contrary (make believe reality), and possibly not get in trouble for something that happened in reality.

Then around the age of five children learn to disassociate make believe realties from actual reality, for it is now this point that children learn that every person that meet experiences life from another perspective from their own, and has access to information that they don't have, as well as they don't have access to information that the child does.

You see the problem here is, yes three-year-olds now what is true, and what is false, but they can't differentiate the two, so sometimes the make-believe reality overrides the true one, at least in the mind of the child.

Granted this only occurs for about two years or so, but it still carries over into the age of four, where children learn how to form complex ideas into sentences and start carrying actual conversations with their parents.

But being four, they don't really think of as other people as real "people". To them people other than themselves are more extensions of the environment they live in.

So to put this all together, we have this small child, who knows how to lie, and then starts believing the lie it tells, and is more or less a complete sociopath.

This being the reason why I hate four-year-olds.

They lie about everything on the slight chance they'll get in trouble if they tell the truth, they then deny everything to the contrary, and they don't even think of you as a person.

Essentially they're like little corporate lawyers or tiny internet and cable TV providers.

Actually considering how petty they always are about everything too, since the ability to distinguish what is one's own property versus what is someone else's property is something most humans don't learn until they've gotten into a car accident because they wouldn't let the guy ahead of them merge into their lane.

Really they're like little politicians, and not like the good ones that close corporate tax loop-holes, but the kinds that get bribed by lobbyist with cookies and candy.

Hey I'm so topical.

"But I don't want everyone to get affordable healthcare, because it has nothing to do with me, as a person who goes to a local health clinic in Washington DC, paid for by the taxpayers of America, and as person who gets paid $270,000, paid by the taxpayers of America, and as a person who doesn't have to pay for his own postage, since it's paid for by the taxpayers of America. Also where's my juice box?" 

-SHIT we got political today, let's not make it a habit.-