"You're a dick"
You're a dick not for the actions you've brought upon others around you. Well actually you're a dick for those too, but for the most part I can see where you were coming from in those situations. Other than a few, you know the ones I'm talking about, yeah you were a massive asshole.
For reference.
You see, specifically, you're a dick for what you've done to me without thinking of the consequences. For starters, you could of, I don't know, picked up some goddamn people skills, so that I might be able to communicate with other human beings.
Such a dick.
Seriously, a lady working the counter behind Panda Express once took one look at my blank face when trying to figure out what I wanted to order and said, "You need a minute?"
and all I could manage in response was, well, completely unintelligible really, so I think she kind of backed off for her own safety as suppose to thinking it was an answer to her question.
The worst part of all was that I knew what I wanted, which was what we always want at Panda Express, orange chicken and beef and broccoli. It's not that hard, I'm blaming it all on you, you selfish jaded ass.
Here's a vinn diagram explaining what I'm trying to say.
Oh yeah, on the subject of people skills you could at least, I don't know, maybe learn how to get some game. You know, the Steve Carrel movie 40-Year-Old Virgin is suppose to be a comedy about an absurd situation and not a life goal right?
You scare away girls faster than the opposite of cute puppy. Because I cannot for the life of me think what the opposite of a cute puppy would be other than you, for that is the effect you have on people.
So you're sure as hell not leaving me a lot of mating options, since you managed to get them to all hate me and not be around me.
Yeah I specifically used the idiom "sure as hell" as in that sure is where you're going to end up.
What's with all the fucking random facts you picked up over the years? They're not interesting, they're actually really fucking annoying.
Yeah, how about when you're talking to someone, and then in the middle they just out of the blue tell you that the Battle of New Orleans was the final battle of the War of 1812, and that it happened after the peace treaty was already signed.
Or that the guy who invented Silly Putty was actually trying to make a version of synthetic rubber since the Japanese and Germans controlled access to a majority of the world's rubber trees during World War II.
Or that President Garfield died on a Monday, trust me, no one gets the joke. (Though seriously he did die on a Monday, look it up)
News flash nerd, literally no one cares.
Not even people from New Orleans.
You see this is why we made that agreement that if I ever traveled back in time and met you, I'd kick your ass. Granted I can see that you're trying to slow me down a little by having me gain 15 pounds in the past three months, but I should let you know, future me is totally going to convert that all to muscle mass just to beat your ass even harder. Yeah when you see future me, man are you going to be rightfully fucked, so just keep on bringing on the pounds, it'll only make that punch to the face that much more painful.
You jackass.
You fat jackass.
You just wait until a guy who looks a lot like Seth Rogen, but with Chris Pratt's body from Guardians of the Galaxy shows up and just goes to town on your face. But no too much since we don't want any physical scarring since we're operating under Looper rules and not Timecop rules. Because Timecop would just take the fun out of it.
Artist's approximation
Not to mention you're the one who ruined Freshmen and Sophomore Homecoming. I take credit for Junior Homecoming, since you know, that's the one we actually had fun at. We both know Senior Homecoming wasn't worth going to anyway and staying home playing Borderlands 2, alone, was the much better option.
That wasn't even sarcasm, so congrats we agree on something.
Goddamn you suck.
How long did it take you to figure out that "Goddamn" was one word? I'll answer that, years.
How about "specifically" not being spelled or pronounced "pacifically". It has nothing to do with the damn ocean you fucking moron.
Sheesh don't even get me started on how long it took you to say "Portuguese" without sounding like you're having a stroke. Yeah that was so bad you just had to avoid talking about Brazil in any sort of conversation. Which was hard in 2011, considering every movie took place in Brazil that year.
Just so you know you really just screwed me over. I didn't get into the university that I wanted to get in because of you. I'm perpetually single because of you, which has caused me to just accept the fact that I'm going to die alone, because of you. It's a miracle that I managed to get a successful job interview, let a lone survive one without breaking down into an asocial mess because you didn't equip me with any sort of tools that I needed, other than a lackluster demo reel that I try to make out to sound impressive but secretly hope no one watches.
But honestly, I feel really sorry for you. Because in all of your infinite failures (and counting) you truly feel bad for screwing over me, the future you.
That doesn't change anything though, go suck on a burlap sack of donkey testicles.
Which you would be able to identify if you ever applied yourself in Biology class in high school.
No comments:
Post a Comment