For those of you who have ever been in a house that is pushing into its 40's and has carpeted areas leading onto tile or wood, or in some certain cases of carpeted staircases, might be familiar with one of the worst situations your foot can find itself in while in the supposed safety of a house.
Carpet staples. Or at least that's what I call them, because when you step on one with your barefoot it feels like you just staple gunned yourself, in the foot.
Easily the weirdest external feature of the human body
It happens when the carpet begins to peel off of the floor where it is stabled to at the seems of where it meets the wood or tile, and it folds back on itself ever so slightly, thus creating an incidental man made bear trap. Well actually bear traps are man made, but the incidental part rings true, unless you're a masochist.
I ain't judging
The real problem with the carpet staple trap, is that it's more psychological than physical. It's not that the staples hurt you every time you step over that part of the carpet, it's that it may or may not hurt you depending on how the carpet folded itself, which has to do with humidity, foot traffic, and solar flares. Also, probably Global Warming, the science is still out on that one.
It becomes a sadistic version of the Skinner Box, well actually the Skinner Box was pretty sadistic to begin with, with the whole revealing how humanity is still slaves to our own stupid monkey biology thing.
Was basically a Vegas Vacation for the mice though
The comparison being, the Skinner Box experiment consists of a mice (or bird, infant human, whatevs) in a box with a lever that gives it food. The subject pulls the lever, it geta a treat. Then the lever stops giving it food on every lever pull, and it then starts to give it food randomly, and no matter the odds of getting the food, the subject will still pull the lever just as often, even to the point in some cases that the lever stopped working all together.
Hence how Las Vegas has made all its money. Besides drugs and prostitution.
The carpet staple dilemma is like the Skinner Box, but instead you have to pull the lever, and the lever will randomly shove a rusty stable into the sole of your foot.
Which is better than what happens when you don't pay your gambling debts in Vegas, but still, hurts like hell.
It creates this hostile environment with that certain section of the house, like an abusive relationship you can't seem to come to terms with leaving. You HAVE to get to that section of the house, but you don't know if you'll walk along fine, or be in the need of a tetanus shot later. You're careful, you take wide strides and step lightly, and then one day you get cocky or you forget, and you're right back to square one.
Thus creating the never ending circle of fear that is carpet staples.
Every country has a Canada. Other than the Canadas since there would be an infinite amount of Canadas and that simply won't work.
You see Australia has New Zealand. France has Belgium. India has Nepal. Italy has Vatican City. And of course America has Canada.
Canada being the greatest Canada of them all, because it is America's.
You see a Canada is a country that is absolutely BFFs with it's country. Through thick and thin a country can always call on it's Canada to lend a hand.
Australia was dragged into World War 1, New Zealand was right there behind them with a joint military agreement. France needed somewhere to go on vacation without needing to spoil themselves with another language, Belgium open its arms wide in invitation. Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and the Canadian Prime Minister called up FDR and said "Hey man, real soreie to hear aboot that" (Canadians aren't the best at speaking American, but we give them credit because they try REALLY hard to do so). And as soon as FDR started unconstitutionally locking up all Japanese-Americans that live on the west coast, so did Canada, because that's true friendship, fear-mongering racism.
But there was one time in American-Canadian History (Abbreviated as American History), mainly the time the US invaded Canada four times, and burned down Toronto.
It's like wearing the same dress as your BFF to the Junior Prom
There was this little war that lasted about three years called The War of 1812 (That ended in 1815). Back in the day, Great Britain (before they copied the US and became the United Kingdom) didn't really get the whole "Revolutionary War" thing, in that they still kinda thought that the US was one of their colonies, and the same rules still applied.
So when Tuesday rolled around and Great Britain went to war with France (because it was Tuesday), they didn't realize that they were going up against Napoleonic France, which was like Super France, and they were getting their asses kicked.
But what does this have to do with Canada? You may ask. I reply, shut your clinch hole I'm tellin' a story.
Anyway Ol' GB was having a hard time with this whole Navy thing, even though they did have the world's largest Navy at this point, with a little under 200 hundred ships at this time, but all the sailors sucked ass. Mainly because being a common British sailor in the Royal Navy, was kinda like "slavery on the ocean" in terms of treatment. So whenever a Royal Navy ship ran across a US Navy ship, some sailors would put on their counterfeit New York Giants Jerseys and throw on their best Brooklyn accent and jump ship singing the "America Fuck Yeah!" song as not to arouse suspicion and ride the winds to a better world where white people didn't enslave other white people, but instead enslaved brown people.
Since the US Navy was pretty awesome even back in the day, also it had 14 ships, if that helps present a better picture of how crappy the Royal Navy was.
When it came time for Parliament (the British rip-off of Congress) to find someone to blame for how the British kept losing all the naval battles to Super France, they blamed America for being too awesome.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CANADA AND TORONTO BEING SET ON FIRE?!
You scream with impatience.
I'M GETTING THERE YOU CHILD!
I scream back with incontinence.
To answer this whole US being too awesome problem the Royal Navy would pull over US Navy ships and kidnap sailors saying they were runaway British sailors. And considering that there wasn't much of a difference between the American and British accents and American and British dental hygiene back then, no one could really make a case ether way, other than the British having bigger guns on board.
Considering that the US had only 14 ships and these stops happened at least thrice, that means that more than 20% of the US Navy had been boarded by the Royal Navy.
And Congress was pissed.
So Congress decided that the US, a country only a little over 30 years old, will go to war with a centuries old empire with the world largest and strongest Army and Navy, again.
Granted we beat them the first time, but they were kinda bogged down with the whole crazy king who pooped purple and thought he was a cat.
They had him stare at a wind-chime to get him to sit still long enough for the painting
So the master plan for this war was made. The US will invade Canada. And so the US did, four times. And failed, four times.
Canada and Russia have one thing in common, don't invade them during the winter. For that was the reason why America failed the first three times. Learning from their thrice repeated mistakes America invaded in the Spring and got so far as to burn Toronto to the ground. And by burring Toronto to the ground I mean, burned down the fort in the city and the Parliament building.
Justified because the US holds the copyright to legislative branches of government after the original holder, the Roman Empire, didn't renew the licensee, mainly due to the whole not existing anymore. And the whole burning to the ground. (Which was the Germans' fault)
So in response the British landed outside Washington D.C and burned it to the ground. And by burned it to the ground, I mean burned the White House, Congressional Building, and Library of Congress, and dozens of other government buildings to the ground. While also finding all of the typewriters in the city and smashing the "C" keys on all of them (the reason for which will become apparent soon).
Yet the British wonder why we always cast them as Nazis in our films.
(It's because you're a bunch of dicks.)
Expect for Martin Freeman, he's the best.
So then a bunch of other war stuff happened, and no one won anything. Actually not exactly true, the US won Oregon and Washington (the state not the pile of ashes), and Canada got Detroit. But since it's Detroit, Canada gave it back without saying anything and the US didn't noticed until 1987 and then made RoboCop.
So why do Canadians think they won the War of 1812? You might be asking if you've managed to follow this line of insanity and still remember the title of this post.
It all has to do with goals. War is about goals. Alexander wanted to conquer all the places that had names on it, and so he did, because he made a goal. The Allies wanted Hitler to go to hell, and they didn't stop warring until he did. North Korea wants South Korea to be South-North Korea, and South Korea wants North Korea to just go away, and seeing as the North will have a hard time conquering the South and countries can't just fly away, the war hasn't ended yet.
Outside of that one episode of Doctor Who
The goals of the War of 1812: The ReRevolution, was the US to take over Canada and make it New Canada 1-6, and the British wanted have unlimited access to the Mississippi river so they could move stuff (not slaves since Black people don't live in Canada, and I can't imagine what else you would use cargo ships for prior to China becoming the world's factory) from the Bahamas to Canada. Which they planned on keeping British (and kinda French).
As you may have noticed, Canada doesn't sing about amber seas of wheat, instead they sing of amber seas of syrup. Which we Americans happily import in exchange for cheaper gas prices so that Canadians can drive down here to fill up.
Because America is the home of the free and the land of the brave. And Canada is the home of the free health care and the land of the heavily taxed.
My argument is that no one really won the War of 1812, since neither country's goals were met. Also the fact that Canada wasn't even a country.
Because if Canada can claim that they won the War of 1812, that means us here in the US can say we beat them in the French-Indian War (or that one Tuesday that caused us to raise taxes in the American Colonies and sparked the American Revolution as they call it in the UK, or When We Started Speaking English as they call it in Canada). In that cause, we totally took over your capital and made you speak another language you frenchies!
See, don't really like it huh Canada, that's because that wouldn't be fair. Since we also weren't a country at that point in time.
Another point of contention is that the Canadians claim that since they burned down Washington DC, they won the War of 1812. To that I say:
A) We burned down Toronto first, so that means we win and you're a bunch of sore losers
B) There wasn't any Canadians at the razing of Washington, it was the Royal Navy
C) In Civilization Rules you can only capture an enemy capital and not raze it, therefor you were hacking
D) The Royal Navy was lead by Rear Admiral Cockburn, and you really want a guy with that last name to be your national hero?
Cockburn was they guy who wanted all the "C" keys to be smashed, so that no one could make fun of his name.
So here's more proof that Canada didn't win the War of 1812.
I can post this.
and
I can post this
I'm not saying that the US won the War of 1812, if so we wouldn't be having this argument. I just want us to agree that we were both in the wrong and we made bad decisions in the past that hurt each other. And to that I say:
Canada, will you go to Prom with me? - <3 America.
I'm not referring to some pseudo-Buddhist philosophy about the lives I've lived before my now current incarnation. I'm referring to my self as of before I started writing this Blog Post. To him I say,
"You're a dick"
You're a dick not for the actions you've brought upon others around you. Well actually you're a dick for those too, but for the most part I can see where you were coming from in those situations. Other than a few, you know the ones I'm talking about, yeah you were a massive asshole.
For reference.
You see, specifically, you're a dick for what you've done to me without thinking of the consequences. For starters, you could of, I don't know, picked up some goddamn people skills, so that I might be able to communicate with other human beings.
Such a dick.
Seriously, a lady working the counter behind Panda Express once took one look at my blank face when trying to figure out what I wanted to order and said, "You need a minute?"
and all I could manage in response was, well, completely unintelligible really, so I think she kind of backed off for her own safety as suppose to thinking it was an answer to her question.
The worst part of all was that I knew what I wanted, which was what we always want at Panda Express, orange chicken and beef and broccoli. It's not that hard, I'm blaming it all on you, you selfish jaded ass.
Here's a vinn diagram explaining what I'm trying to say.
Oh yeah, on the subject of people skills you could at least, I don't know, maybe learn how to get some game. You know, the Steve Carrel movie 40-Year-Old Virgin is suppose to be a comedy about an absurd situation and not a life goal right?
You scare away girls faster than the opposite of cute puppy. Because I cannot for the life of me think what the opposite of a cute puppy would be other than you, for that is the effect you have on people.
So you're sure as hell not leaving me a lot of mating options, since you managed to get them to all hate me and not be around me.
Yeah I specifically used the idiom "sure as hell" as in that sure is where you're going to end up.
What's with all the fucking random facts you picked up over the years? They're not interesting, they're actually really fucking annoying.
Yeah, how about when you're talking to someone, and then in the middle they just out of the blue tell you that the Battle of New Orleans was the final battle of the War of 1812, and that it happened after the peace treaty was already signed.
Or that the guy who invented Silly Putty was actually trying to make a version of synthetic rubber since the Japanese and Germans controlled access to a majority of the world's rubber trees during World War II.
Or that President Garfield died on a Monday, trust me, no one gets the joke. (Though seriously he did die on a Monday, look it up)
News flash nerd, literally no one cares.
Not even people from New Orleans.
You see this is why we made that agreement that if I ever traveled back in time and met you, I'd kick your ass. Granted I can see that you're trying to slow me down a little by having me gain 15 pounds in the past three months, but I should let you know, future me is totally going to convert that all to muscle mass just to beat your ass even harder. Yeah when you see future me, man are you going to be rightfully fucked, so just keep on bringing on the pounds, it'll only make that punch to the face that much more painful.
You jackass.
You fat jackass.
You just wait until a guy who looks a lot like Seth Rogen, but with Chris Pratt's body from Guardians of the Galaxy shows up and just goes to town on your face. But no too much since we don't want any physical scarring since we're operating under Looper rules and not Timecop rules. Because Timecop would just take the fun out of it.
Artist's approximation
Not to mention you're the one who ruined Freshmen and Sophomore Homecoming. I take credit for Junior Homecoming, since you know, that's the one we actually had fun at. We both know Senior Homecoming wasn't worth going to anyway and staying home playing Borderlands 2, alone, was the much better option.
That wasn't even sarcasm, so congrats we agree on something.
Goddamn you suck.
How long did it take you to figure out that "Goddamn" was one word? I'll answer that, years.
How about "specifically" not being spelled or pronounced "pacifically". It has nothing to do with the damn ocean you fucking moron.
Sheesh don't even get me started on how long it took you to say "Portuguese" without sounding like you're having a stroke. Yeah that was so bad you just had to avoid talking about Brazil in any sort of conversation. Which was hard in 2011, considering every movie took place in Brazil that year.
Just so you know you really just screwed me over. I didn't get into the university that I wanted to get in because of you. I'm perpetually single because of you, which has caused me to just accept the fact that I'm going to die alone, because of you. It's a miracle that I managed to get a successful job interview, let a lone survive one without breaking down into an asocial mess because you didn't equip me with any sort of tools that I needed, other than a lackluster demo reel that I try to make out to sound impressive but secretly hope no one watches.
But honestly, I feel really sorry for you. Because in all of your infinite failures (and counting) you truly feel bad for screwing over me, the future you.
That doesn't change anything though, go suck on a burlap sack of donkey testicles.
Which you would be able to identify if you ever applied yourself in Biology class in high school.
Men's Rights Activists are a lot like Hitler. They raised a good point "Hey the German economy sucks ass", and then they answer with an extreme call to action "Hey let's kill everyone who isn't like us, and invade the planet"
In this sense the call to action is "Hey there's problems with the perception of masculinity in today's society that causes self-esteem issues in young males, much like how the perception of the role of females in today's society causes self-esteem issues in young females", which is good point to bring up, but the answer isn't "And it's all the women, gays, and probably the brown peoples faults too, because let's just throw racism in to for no reason"
See, a lot like Hitler, expect Hitler supported government funded health care, unlike the MRA groups who thing that anything that can't walk away from anything less than a barefooted, barefisted, bearfight, barefight, shouldn't exist because that's what men are, and no socialist can take that away from them.
So in that case I guess Obama and Mitt Romney are like Hitler, expect unlike Hitler and Romney, Obama supports equal pay for women.
Unlike the MRA, who think that Women should work 23% harder since they're just going to steal away the mens' money anyway.
Let's just go point by point through, what should be a civil discussion about the roles of men in the modern feminism movement, turned into stupidity.
*Achem hem*
1.) Domestic Violence
Now this one has always been a personal point of contention for me. When you hear a news story about a man brutally beating or maiming his wife, he's labeled as a monster and taken away for a very long time. Granted, unless he's a famous singer or a NFL player, but that's a whole other article. Just so we're on the same page, yes, label him a monster and get him away from his wife.
Then you have news stories about a wife cutting off her husband's penis and sticking it down the garbage disposal, and it's all fun and games.
Look, more than half of all women living in Egypt have had some form of sexual mutilation, and that is absolutely disgusting. But why can't we all feel the same about men being mutilated at home.
Normally it's met with the response of "well he probably had it coming", now the insane out there (MRA) would say that this is the same response to rape "well she probably had it coming" that gets a lot of flak.
No, the difference being, we blame rape on the victim because we as a society because are still operating under the pre-Victorian era thought that men are suppose to be the sexually inclined ones and are in total control, and it's when women show their sexuality too overtly that they're just asking to get impregnated.
Which is a major problem.
The reason why we hear "Well he probably had it coming" is because dicks are funny. We draw them on something and, man it's an instant joke.
Look the rover made Mars so much more funny.
Let me be clear.
MAIMING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING ISN'T FUNNY.
Anyway, only other thing I can say about men's role in domestic violence is that we don't shed light on women-on-man violence which has it's own Wikipedia page, mainly because it only makes up about 10% of total domestic violence cases, (because men happen to be slightly larger and more prone to violent outburst than women if you haven't noticed), and also because we're still presenting masculinity as the be-all end-all of life in this country. When there's 51% of the population that sort of don't participate in that event in the Olympics if you get what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is that we should stop holding up men based on their ability to control women, how about we start seeing marriage as a partnership, 'cuz it kinda is.
(The idea of Marriage is going to be another blog post)
On the MRA side of things, they mainly claim that the men were acting in self-defense. Much like how a football player hit his fiancé so hard she was knocked unconscious after she attempted to push him. Because it's not like Ray Rice is 212 pounds of muscle.
(I looked it up, he's 212 pounds)
You know like a football player.
Ok, I'm going to level with you guys, sexual dimorphism is a thing, and we're going to have to accept it.
Men are much bigger (as stated in a previous post, the average American male is 5'10 and the average female is just under 5'5), also a hell of a lot stronger, like proportionally almost twice as strong, which is insane.
This is why women and men don't compete with each other in sports, and use different bathrooms because everything is set to a different average height in the mens' room.
You're just not tall enough to use them
Saying that, it makes me sound like a MRA card carrying member, but what I'm trying to say, men are bigger than women and can hurt women a hell of a lot more than a women can hurt a man. And that men being physically stronger than women shouldn't be a reason for men to rule the world, because post-1990, not a whole lot jobs require someone to be able to lift heavy things, we have gender neutral robots for that now.
And subsidizing birth control would be the least of our worries after SkyNet kills us all anyway
Let's just agree that sexual dimorphism is thing that is a part of the human experience, and it's going to cause a few exceptions in society.
Mainly that if a women hits a man, he can easily push her off of him, due to him:
A) having more muscle and bone mass to absorb the punch
B) being taller than her causing him to have more leverage
C) being close to a hundred pounds heavier than her so he can generate more force
D) realizing that punching her would land her in the hospital, as suppose to a small bruise in a vice-versa situation
So in short, DON'T FUCKING HIT PEOPLE.
Yes I hear you scream across the ethers of the internet "But there's women out there stronger than men" yes I know, her name is Ronda Rousey and she's the best person on the planet. And she's plays Pokemon and should totally battle me sometime so that I can say I won in a fight with Ronda Rousey without getting my body broken.
Point being: The average women is not Ronda Rousey, and my Pokemon skillz presented in a physical form does not reflect the average man.
Please call me back...
Actually after Googling for that image of Rhonda, she's 5'6 and 135 pounds.
I'm 6'1 and a little over 200. I've never worked out a day in my life.
See sexual dimorphism, it's not fair.
The thing to take away from my ramblings, is that men are bigger then women, don't let that be a reason to assume men should be in-charge.
Also the MRA stands for
Many
Rude
Assholes
On to point 2.
2.) Reproductive Rights for Men
Essentially what the MRA wants is men to have say on if a women should have an abortion to get out of paying child support.
Now, the father of the child being a part of the conversation regarding if the mother should have an abortion or not, is definitely something we should be discussing in this country. Because too many times is it presented as "men controlling women's bodies". Which is true in almost all cases, since you rarely see a female politician arguing against the right to abortions, unless she's over the age of 65, in that case it really isn't a problem for her anyway.
Point being, a man should be able to freely discuss the choice to abort with the mother, and not be plastered as a microcosm of the patriarchy.
Now in my personal opinion it should ultimately be the women's choice, since she's the one kinda doing all the heavy lifting for the next nine months.
Now forcing women to abort because you don't want to pay child support, is kinda a dick move.
You fucked over (literally) someone for the next 18 years (at the least) of their life, and you don't want any responsibility.
That's kinda the definition of being a dick, you know without living in a pair of jeans.
The easiest solution really is that states should stop teaching abstinence only sex-education, since there's libraries full of documents showing that it isn't working.
Also parents should take a more active role in teaching their kids sex-education.
Actually, how about we teach parents how to teach their kids sex-eduaction.
(The dwindling roles of parents in a modern American child's upbringing is another blog post)
Point 3.
3.) We're teaching boys to not be men, because we're teaching them to not fight and not be competitive.
Now I agree with the second half of that statement. We need to teach kids to be competitive, but with the goal in mind of how not be sore-losers and sore-winners.
Life is a never ending series of loses and wins in competitions that you may not realize you were competing in.
A job interview is competition between you, and everyone else applying for the same job, so having the mindset of trying your hardest to win is a better alternative to, "well if you tried, that means you win anyway".
Granted you shouldn't track down all the other applicants after you get the job and rub in their faces that you're better than all of them.
That's being a sore-winner, and that's what should be discouraged.
Now teaching young boys not to fight (we're talking physically) is a good thing. It teaches them that violence isn't the answer to everything. Working things out with words can solve 98% of the world's issues. How about respecting someone else's point of view and values? That sounds pretty manly to me.
Also, have you seen boys fight, I mean like middle-school through high-school age.
It's always one throws a punch that doesn't land, they awkwardly wrestle to the ground, and both end up crying. That seems like something the MRA should be discouraging for how unmanly that sounds.
Girls on the other hand:
Someone ends up face first in concrete with hair getting pulled out. And both end up with scratch marks everywhere.
That should be discouraged for how unhygienic that sounds.
In summary, competition good, as long as it's respectful before, during, and after from all parties involved, and the only thing you should ever preemptively hit is a nazi.
"He probably had it coming"
Point 4.
4.) False Accusations of Rape.
Rape cases, at least in America, if treated fairly, (depends on if it involves a football player), normally side with the women who claims to have been raped.
Now claiming that there has been false accusations of rape in the past, is a very slippery slope, and I answer this slope with:
"Man if only there's a system in this country that allows two parities to argue a case to an impartial jury and justice of the peace"
OH WAIT
America has one of the highest rated one of those in the world.
Now I'm sure there has been false rape accusations in the past. Mainly because we live in a world where people harass the families of 9/11 victims of faking as a part of giant government conspiracy, because this is the kind of fucking disgusting people that walk the earth with the rest of us.
But we shouldn't present this of having only two sides, which are:
A) Assume that the man is guilty
B) Assume the women is lying
How about, we just stick with the evidence presented in the case, since it's actually very hard to hide evidence of a rape. Because there's plenty of DNA everywhere.
Granted how about we consistently check rape kits for evidence, since there's been several cases of people finding several hundred rape kits from the past several years kinda hanging out in the police evidence room chillin' and not really doing their jobs.
Now one thing that the MRA does present that needs to be brought up is the fact that the National Crime Victimization Survey of 2012 showed that about 38% of sexual assaults and sexual violence cases were against men.
Which kinda ties back into domestic violence against men, we should you know, talk about it.
Like this guy who got roofied.
Here's a puppy if you need it, the stupidity is about it get ramped up like an exponential function.
"Oh hai"
"Oh hai"
5.) Traditional Roles for Genders
The MRA says: women shouldn't be police officers/firefighters/soldiers/construction workers/anything else that male stripper usually dresses up as.
Ok, here's a little thought experiment.
Picture a doctor.
Nine times out of 10, you're picturing a male.
Or 13 out of 13 times.
Now picture a teacher.
Nine times out of 10, you're picture a female.
Now picture a male preschool teacher.
You just subconsciously dialed 911 to report a case of child molestation.
That's a problem.
How about we all agree that if a person, a PERSON,is qualified for a job they should be allowed to work in that job, and be paid as much as everyone else who is working the same job in the company for the same amount of time.
Health care is sexist against men because it favors women.
Don't even know where to start.
There was a point in this country's history that the federal government used tax-payer money to help pay for men to buy Viagra for their erectile disfunction.
Granted this ended in 2005 after Hurricane Katrina, largely in part because it was a part of the bigger "FUCK YOU NEW ORLEANS" note that the federal government gave the city after it was hit by one to top five most destructive Atlantic hurricanes to ever be seen by the human eye.
Essentially the federal government didn't want to pay for all the new millions of homeless people's Viagra pills to fix their new found ED symptoms, because losing your city to a giant man eating cloud is kinda a boner killer.
Ok let's talk about menstruation.
"Oh hai again"
It happens, it's a thing. We're going to have to accept it.
It's a lot like the Holocaust, it's a thing that did in fact happen, as much as we like to forget it and ignore and pretend like it isn't a thing or deny it's very existence, it's still a thing.
Yes there is an entire section of the pharmacy dedicated to things meant to absorb it.
Menstrual fluids, not absorbing the Holocaust, that's weird and unsettling.
As males we're taught by society that this is simply the most disgusting thing that the human body does on it's own.
And ladies, it really kinda is, I mean it's at least in the top 3, let's be honest here. It's kinda gross.
We as males need to accept it and not demonize it, and ladies, have patience, we're not as desensitized to a shedding uterus as you guys are.
Now how does this related to health care?
You know what makes the menstrual cycle more manageable? Birth control pills.
Yes they help in the prevention of pregnancy, but I've never heard a women say "I want to be on birth control so I can have all the sex in the world"
I normally hear "I'm on birth control because FUCK PERIODS"
Seriously, any person reading this and wants to find a way to help push the public perception of women using birth control in the right direction, just take all the pills, rebrand them as "Menstrual Management Medication" and no one will be the wiser.
Other than me who thought of the plan in the first place, I want 5% gorss-profits.
Ok, expanded metaphor: if having a period is like getting hit by a truck every month, you don't know when or where it will be, you just know it will hit you sooner or later, being on birth control is like having a GPS tracker on the truck, it'll still hit you, but you'll see it coming and the driver is nice enough to go the speed limit as suppose to 15 mph over.
Birth control is on an off again subsidized in the US, and considering our backward frenemies China and Russia both give it out for free, it's kinda sad.
Just saying.
Like I don't think anyone in Russia would get thatepisode of Modern Family when all of the girls in theDunphy House are on their periods at the same time, and the father and the son have to navigate the uneasy waters of emotions in their home until the storm is over.
The Russian watching would be like "What the hell there's a TV in my house, how in the glorious name of Lenin did I manage to afford this AND the electricity to run it?"
We're a country that paid for men's erectile dysfunction pills because it involves sex, while we still debate about paying for birth control because it theoretically involves sex, but that is rarely the case.
Yes as a nation we do spend more on health care for women than men, mainly because women need to see doctors more often.
You know because we tell women to go get mammograms as often as possible, and then we tell men to get prostate exams once just so we can get it over with.
Because men's health care is funny because it almost always involves something ending up in someone's ass.
Also, the whole growing a person inside of you is another reason why women go see the doctor more often.
So yeah, that's about it.
I end this off with a song that summarizes what I want from the world.
Everyone learn English.
If you stumbled upon the same source that I did, I want you to know I didn't plagiarize since I'm linking it here: the source for organization.
I seriously didn't plagiarized, I just copied the order it is written in and added puppies.
Firestorm, for those unaware, is a superhero in the DC Comics Universe.
DC Comics being Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.
Essentially the way to tell is that if it's Marvel the movie makes you laugh, if it's DC the movie makes you cry and hate life.
With the exception of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which, supposedly, didn't mean to make the audience leave the theater crying and hating life.
But that's Fox, which is whole other blog post on to itself.
Anyway, Firestorm. He sucks.
His whole "gimmick" is that he has total control of nuclear power, which means he can manipulate atoms, spontaneously combust things, and shoot out fire blasts from his hands.
Which sounds cool, in theory.
In reality, he sucks.
You see Firestorm, is an absolutely lame character that DC is trying to shoehorn into everything to make him more appealing, since giving a character, almost literally, the power of science, still hasn't made him cool enough to this generation.
Or the last one.
Or the one before that.
It's because Firestorm, for all of his powers, is a pretty shitty character.
Or should I say, "characters".
Unlike most other superheroes who are secretly another person, Firestorm is secretly two other people, who when needed, do the fusion dance from Dragon Ball Z and turn into Firestorm.
One person drives, and the other kinda just floats around as a hallucination for the driver to talk to.
The two people in question are currently, Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch.
Regardless of the fact that one's name is Ronnie (the worst name), and the that I have no idea how to pronounce "Rusch". (I tried and ended up sneezing in a Russian accent)
These two characters are literally the worst.
"Don't you mean, metaphorically, or hyperbolically the worst"
No they are literally the worst, to detriment of the English language.
Ronnie, is a High School senior jock who is captain of the football team, and Jason is a nerd.
If this sounds like a sit-com set-up in the early 90's to you, then you'd be correct, it would be.
You see the first problem is that the whole character dynamic is that Ronnie is the "brawn" and Jason is the "brains", but both of these characters are working off of archetypes that don't exist anymore.
Ronnie is all popular and smooth with the ladies, and Jason, is a nerd.
In reality, Ronnie would ether be as smart as Jason, OR would be a total douchenozzle that no one would want to hang out with. And Jason would be fairly social, or would be a total douchenozzle with severe Aspergers that no one would want to hang out with.
Because there isn't anything like the traditional 90's "jocks and nerds" archetypes in today's high schools. Football players are ether advanced students or they're still like the jocks of the olden days, but the difference being no one likes them. Because overt, unintelligent alpha male, isn't considered to be "cool" (or whatever the kids say these days) anymore.
On the other hand, everyone is a nerd now, science is sexy, everyone loves Iron Man the most, and alternative energy (which is kind of Firestorm's allegory, much like Superman is the American Dream, Wonder Woman is feminism, and Batman is the celebration of free market capitalism in regards to its role in the expanding wealth gap) is "hip" (or whatever the kids say these days).
So in short, we have two unrelatable characters, working in a dynamic that doesn't work anymore.
Other than the surface problems, the characters are even worse.
Jason, whines, a lot, like constantly.
You see Ronnie is the driver, so Jason just kinda floats around as a ghost head whining at Ronnie to do something.
Since the entire character runs off of the dynamic of "well isn't it wacky that a nerd needs to work with a jock to do stuff", the characters have to butt heads every issue.
And it's annoying.
You reading Jason trying to get Ronnie to turn the floor into platinum or some shit, followed by Ronnie Fire Punching all the bad guys instead, followed by a quip about "sometimes the easy way is the best way" or something stupid, once, you've read it a million times.
Because their characters can never learn to work together, or it defeats their entire purpose of their characters.
Which is stupid, not for the lack of mobility in character development, but for the fact that the catch-22 exists in the first place.
Ronnie, isn't any better, he's essentially Robin from Batman Forever, in the sense that he's permanently the scene of Robin stealing the Batmobile to pick up chicks in.
Which is the worst part of a movie that is 85% ice puns and 14% rubber Batman nipples.
Seriously, the only thing Ronnie does other than reminding Jason how much of a little dweb he is (and then stealing his lunch money since it's "their" lunch money now), is kidnapping Jason in the body of Firestorm to impress chicks.
Hence, douchnozzle.
This culminated in Jason finally leaving Ronnie behind after Ronnie kept him stuck in Firestorm for two months, effectively ruining Jason's life, since Jason's girlfriend left him, Jason failed his finals in college since he wasn't there, and Jason lost the trust of the scientist that he was interring for, since he disappeared for two months without notice during one the biggest experiments the scientist has ever conducted.
And Donnie, just goes to the bar to get drunk.
So we're stuck with one half of Firestorm, whining that someone ruined his life, and the other getting drunk in a bar (ran by Tim Drake who faked his death five-years prior, and is currently investigation a time traveling Terry McGinnis), because he ruined, the person who is the closest thing he has to friend's life, and couldn't get laid for two months because of his nuclear penis would have sent every women in a fifty-yard radius to the hospital with third degree burns.
Regarding the sentence found in the parenthesis in the previous paragraph, that's one of the biggest issues with Firestorm. Not the whole Tim Drake faking his death and Terry McGinnis trying to save the world Terminator style, but the fact that Firestorm is surrounded by much more interesting characters.
He's boring on his own, but as soon as you prop him up next to more interesting characters (see: all of the characters not named Firestorm) he looks even more boring.
He's essentially all of the angsty bits of the Sam Rami Spider-Man trilogy, but without the lovable Toby Macguire and James Franco.
Actually if there was a Firestorm movie and Macguire played Jason and Franco played Ronnie, and Vin Diesel voiced Firestorm, that might actually be entertaining.
Only because Toby Macquire is the master of looking sad, for his power is only matched by small dogs and Michael Cera.
If sadness was a martial art, Toby is the master, Keanu is the ancient founder
Anyway, my point is ultimately I really liked Firestorm in Justice League: 3000 because he's a total dick and completely accepts that he is one and acts out on it.
Since the writers of Justice League: 3000 just use that comic to shit on everyone else's characters, and it's the best thing ever.
For those unfamiliar with gamer lexicon, or gaming culture in general, DLC is a point of contention for most people who like to whinge about things that don't matter on the internet.
As seeing that I don't whinge about DLC, therefore everything I do whinge about does matter, EAT THAT DAD!
Yeah! De Morgan's Law and shit!
Anyway DLC is an acronym for Downloadable Content, mainly because DC is already two acronyms and we'll all get way too confused.
Especially if DC made a game that takes place in DC, and then releases DC for the game. Making it DC for DC's game about DC.
Hence we say DLC.
So DLC is essentially add-on content for games that have been out for an extended period of time. To those uninformed, those commercials for that game that ruins lives and has like the Kung-Fu Panda on it, yeah that's DLC. Well actually it's an Add-On which is considered to be a more expansive DLC experience.
Yeah that's what I'm referring to.
For the musically inclined readers, DLC's are like LPs and Add-Ons are like EPs. And I guess that makes software updates like singles.
But for the sake of this post, let's just lump DLC together with Add-Ons because really we're talking about Add-Ons and not really DLC, and the only reason why I even brought DLC up in the first place was because I wanted to make the DC for DC's DC game joke. Which wasn't even funny anyway.
So the reason why I bring this up, is because
A) Young white males are entitled and stupid (I should know I am one)
B) People just repeat what they read on the internet without forming their own opinions (Ron Paul 2012)
C) Two great games are out this season and they're getting a lot of flak for being a lot like their predecessors.
The two games I'm referring to are Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel and Assassin's Creed: Rogue, which are sequels/prequels (both in each case) to Borderlands 2 and Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag (why it's called Rogue and not Assassin's Creed 5: Blacker Flags, is hard to explain, especially considering Black Flag is actually the sixth Assassin's Creed game and not the fourth, and only called the fourth because it's a prequel to Assassin's Creed: III, which is a direct sequel to Assassin's Creed: Revelations which is actually the fourth game in the series.)
These games are coming back with great reviews and are totally worth getting into since they offer awesome experiences, but they're being dismissed by the whinging masses because they look too much like the games that came before them.
Much like how people complained that Back to the Future: II: There and Back Again, Again (one of the few movie titles which a comma) wasn't worth seeing because it takes place in roughly the same time and place as Back to the Future: Actually We're Going Back to the Present; but Objectively Speaking, Yes We Are Going Back to the Future (the only movie title with a semi-colon in it).
One of the biggest complaints was that the UI looks the same.
Once again for those who aren't in on the know-how, UI means, User Interface, it's all of the stuff that the user....interfaces with, for example, the window you're reading this in on your computer/phone/tablet/laptop/phaplet/watch/whatever-they-think-of-next is this Blog's UI.
So all of the little icons on the screen when playing around in Assassin's Creed is the User Interface.
I would like to point out, this is like you bought a 2012 Toyota Camry, three years later saw that the 2015 Model looked different, took it for a test drive that only consisted of you sitting in it, and noticing that the fonts on all of the dials were the same and that everything was where it was last time.
The damn car could travel through time at 88 MPH so that you can go pork your mom at her senior prom back in the 50's, or find your dad and sent him back to pork your mom on prom night in the 50's (Terminator and Back to the Future share two plot similarities), but you'd never know since you're all hung up on the font choices for the speedometer.
And then you complain to the Toyota saying you shouldn't pay full price for the car that is essentially the same as your old one, since the check engine light is in the small place as it was three years ago.
You stupid, entitled young white male.
This essentially what the whinging masses are calling for, for both Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel and Assassin's Creed: Rogue, they don't want to pay full price for games that look the same.
Even though you're playing as different characters, experience a different story, and exploring a new setting, they're still complaining.
Let's break it down actually:
Assassin's Creed IV (VI): Black Flags - West Indies 1710's, playing as a pirate trying to find his way in the world
Assassin's Creed (V) (VII): Rogue - Canada, French-Indian War (1754-1763), playing as guy killing all of his college buddies because of a prank they pulled that caused him to accidentally slaughter an entire town of innocent people
(Assassin's Creed is a very complex story)
Borderlands 2: A planet called Pandora (different Pandora in Avatar: Dancing With Smurfs, but sharing the characteristic of everything trying to kill you), after Borderlands, playing as a cyborg ninja, a space witch, a soldier with PTSD of the most hilarious kind, a gun-crazed dwarf (sorry, "short person"), a mutated murdering psycho, and teenage girl with a killer robot sidekick
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel: takes place on Pandora's moon (where everything still tries to kill you but with an Australian accent), after Borderlands but before Borderlands 2, hence the whole "Pre-Sequel" thing, and you play as a female Captain America gladiator, Malcom Reynolds with a uterus, a crazed cyborg who is not a ninja, and a murdering robot who has his own murdering robot sidekick.
See totally different games.
They want both games to be Add-Ons for the previous installments.
To them I say, you're all a bunch of fucking idiots.
Ok let's talk money since this is the root of everything anyway.
(Everything is evil, just look at pop music)
A) Most 30-40 hour Add-Ons, cost full price ($60) anyway
B) You paid full price for a 30-40 hour experience with the original games
C) These games will give you a 30-40 Hour Experience
D) 20 hour Add-on's cost half full price (usually $30)
E) So why not just buy the damn game because if it was just an Add-On IT WOULD FUCKING COST THE SAME AMOUNT ANYWAY
Seriously, things are going to cost money in the world, because if everyone got everything for free, no one would do anything. Hence why the Soviet Union fell.
Not because of famine, extreme divides in classes in a classless society, war, infrastructure collapse, David Hasselhoff, or Ronald Reagan.
It collapsed because no one bought anything any more, because nothing was worth buying anymore.
The world runs on Americans buying things we technically don't need, and that's how the world's being working since Hitler kicked the bucket into his skull along with croaking down a cyanide pill.
So shut up, buy the damn game, help keep the global economy afloat.
Or just buy it used in 10 months, like you're really missing all that much.
