Maybe it's petsitting in New Zealand, those Kiwis are weird.
Or did I mean the fruit?
Anyway the living stuff that I have to watch consists of one shitzu that thinks it's a human baby, an Australian Cattle Dog that likes to contemplate the universe in the laundry room,
Like this but in a laundry room.
and a cockatoo. At least I hope that's all I have to take care over, otherwise I might be in trouble with the Animal Cops. (They're on Animal Planet, it's like CSI meets My Gym Partner's a Monkey.)
If you don't remember My Gym Partner's a Monkey understand that the only thing they did of note was throw in an offhanded Predator cameo in the last season. So it's not like you're missing much.
So anyway, the dogs are fine, but if you have never been with a cockatoo for an extended period of time, then God bless you for you still have Jesus in your heart, for cockatoos are proof that there is no God in this soulless damned existence we live in, just bleak dark abyss surrounding us until inevitable oblivion.
Understand that cockatoos are not cute little cockatiels, they're not little gray birds with little green feathers and little orange cheeks that sing only of love and friendship. Cockatoos are twice the size, white with yellow top feathers, and soulless black eyes that shine into the a vortex to the center of galaxy where the old ones lay dominant until the ancient one shall rise and consume all of humanity so that the Earth will be ready to be inhabited.
Cockatoos, as I said before, are proof that God does not exist, for if there was an all loving father, he would not have placed this monster on the world with us.
Flooding the world to kill all of humanity? Nothing in comparison to the cockatoo.
For one, their mimicking skills out surpass any other avian peer. You can pretend that your little cockatiel said "I'm a pretty bird" but a cockatoo will stare you straight in the eye and tell you to your face "I AM a pretty bird".
The cat will kill the bird for food, the bird will kill the cat for fun.
This bird can say the usual things, "I'm a pretty bird", "Hello", "Happy birthday", "R'lyeh will rise again", "Peek-a-boo", you know the usual bird things.
But it's the other sounds that make housesitting a living nightmare that can only be compared to looking into the mind of the slumbering god himself. The bird can mimic the sounds of the dogs barking, both dogs individually. So it'll bark out "Hey your mom's a bitch" in the voice of one of the dogs, causing the other dog to get all pissed off at the other one. So now I'm stuck with two dogs barking at each other from both sides of the living room, and as I try to calm them down by explaining that both of their moms are technically bitches and that's only offensive to humans, the bird starts to laugh.
Yes the bird understands humor, you put in Rush Hour 2 that bird will nail the proper laugh timing for all of Chris Tuckers one liners, and she'll give a nice hearty chuckle whenever Jackie does his hand thing.
You know, he punches something really hard and he shakes his hand and he's like "ooooooooooooh"
Never mind here's a .gif of something else.
The bird would find this hilarious.
You see cockatoos need constant attention, much like a 7-year-old, but they only know how to get it like 3 month old babies, which is to scream as loudly as possible, also like a 7-year-old.
Now I don't know off the top of my head how high I can year in terms of hertz, but the bird can screech way past that to the point that the dogs have to run across the house howling as loud as possible to drown out the maddening sound while it feels like the left and right hemispheres of my brain have finally come to the conclusion that they can't work past their differences and want to move away from each other but neither one of them wants to live in my skull any more because it holds too many memories.
i.e, instant splitting headache, like a migraine but with the added benefit of not wanting to curl up in a dark room and cry yourself into unconsciousness but instead it's seriously questioning if humans really do need a sense of hearing anyway.
Also, she mimics the sound of a smoke detector, which I can only imagine she learned how to do by purposely setting things on fire to learn the sound.
And it's not like she's going to die any time soon, cockatoos can live up to 70 years old. There's a good chance the bird might actually be older than me, and she's sure as hell going to outlive my aunt and uncle who I'm housesitting for.
Goddamn it, if I get the bird in the will....
(Picture Unrelated)
Hell, I should put on Snowpiercer and wait and see her laugh at the part that Captain America is talking about eating babies.
And the sad part is that Cockatoos suffer from chronic self-mutliation, which is a condition that if the bird doesn't get enough interaction it'll essentially get cabin fever and start plucking out its own feathers, which thank God the bird I'm watching hasn't.
So if it means slowly going insane instead of this beautiful bird harming itself then so be it. Granted I do kinda freak myself out when I talk to her, because I mimic her instead of the other way around, and get's all Doctor Who up in here.
At what point does it stop mimicking him and he starts mimicking it?
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