People Who Are Mad About the "Star Wars" and "Jurassic World" Trailers

The phrase "everyone is a critic" used to mean that everyone deep down can be judgmental of anything and that's nothing to really take offensive to since you, as a person, do it too.

Nowadays, the phrase "everyone is a critic" seems to mean that everyone thinks of themselves as an art critic and that everything that doesn't live up to their upmost expectations is therefore not worthy of being enjoyed by anyone as an art form, and should be instead crucified against the chest of its horrid creator's burned corpse.

Seriously people, if you want to pretend to be an actual art critic then act like one. You're going to have to analyze, understand who the target audience is and try to see it through that view point, holding back you're own personal opinion and not be such a douche about it. You know, like people who are paid to do so.

Ok bad example.

Case and point, these two awesome-ass trailers that dropped this week, the internet is throwing a shitstorm up about because of about three particular seconds in each of them.

For Jurassic World the fourth installment of the Jurassic Park series, which this time promises not to suck by A.) Having Chris Pratt in it and B.) Having a budget and C.) Having a story this time, we are shown a small clip of four velociraptors running out of their cages and then catching up to Chris Pratt on a dirt bike and then start to run in formation with him.

It looks like this.

It's like Beast Master expect Tanya Roberts doesn't take her top off.

The implication is that Star Lord raised four baby raptors as his own and they became imprinted on him and he trained them like blood hounds. 

Personally I'd rather watch a movie of Chris Pratt raising velociraptors as their mother than watch him and his raptor babies track down a hybrid super dinosaur, so that's my only complaint. 

Other than Great White Sharks being endangered, so hunting and using them as dinobait on a regular basis kind of strikes a nerve.

Here's the three biggest complaints I've seen about this one particular section of an already short trailer. 

Actually before we start, a few people bitched about it being called "Jurassic World" instead of "Jurassic Park" and I just assume their the decedents of people who complained about it being called "Disney World" instead of "Disneyland II"

Anyway. 

1.) It's not realistic

To them I say, it's a movie about people cloning dinosaurs from the blood found in ancient mosquitos in amber. 

Little known fact, blood doesn't contain all that much in way of DNA, if you really want to clone someone get some living skin cells or the white ends of their hair, which is where the actual hair grows because those cells have a full strand of DNA. Also the half-life of DNA is 150 years, meaning after a 150 years half of the DNA will no longer be usable (for those who didn't pay attention in chemistry class, or didn't care to remember) and considering that the dinosaurs in question lived 65,000,000 years ago, that's a lot of no DNA. 

But no, let's say that the part with Chris Pratt going on a goddamn mission with four velociraptor  sidekicks, who he has probably named with cute nicknames, is the unrealistic part of the movie that no one has seen yet. 

Not to mention every movie is unrealistic, because if movies were grounded in reality no one would see them, because that defeats the entire point of seeing a movie.

Geez it's like the same people who don't like Lord of the Rings because Legolas doesn't run out of arrows.

Yeah because an elf with unlimited arrows is the least believable part of the movie.

2.) Velociraptors don't look like that

Kids, I'm sorry to say this but velociraptors don't look like what you think they look like. 

Here's what your average raptor looks like next to a human

Really in reality they looked like really scary chickens. 

And Spielberg knew this when he made the first film and chose to make them larger and without feathers to make them more scary for the kids.

The reason why Generation Y isn't afraid of anything, other than giant lizards.

Instead he combined a few raptor like dinosaurs together (almost like he's making his own genetic hybrid or something, that sounds like a good plot to a dinosaur film)

This is a member of the Deinoychus family, and they are basically larger velociraptors. And this. 

Is a Utah Raptor as they call them. 

So yes, technically if the dinosaurs in the movies are not velociraptors they shouldn't be calling them velociraptors. I would agree, but who the hell watches Jurassic Park for scientific accuracy? 

Other than my Junior Year Biology Class, but I went to public high school so that's excusable. 

So what if Spielberg scaled down one dinosaur to the halfway point of itself and it's smaller cousin, and then started calling it by an entirely different name. 

Not like it's the only dinosaur it had a problem with getting its name right.   

Let me just Google that. 

Wait no. Missing an "N" 

Not like it's the series mascot or anything. 

Not like they're the only dinosaur that they got wrong. 

These never existed. 

Yeah the damn Brontosaurus, the first dinosaurs you see in the film aren't real. 

Adult triceratops didn't look like this. 

So we can all calm down about this photo now.

To wrap it up, the first film was not made with the implications of being scientifically accurate. The film is actually about the basis of chaos theory wrapped up in a kids film about why man shouldn't play god. 

Which is exactly what the new one is about. 

The series couldn't come back to its roots hard enough without doing a reverse c-section. 

And if they changed the velociraptors to their little poultry forms then everyone would be like "why do the raptors look different?" 

It's called continuity. 

"Why does War Machine look different?"

Also if we're talking realism here.

3.) It's Stupid.

I'm sorry that the film about Chris Pratt trying to hunt down a super dinosaur in a theme park isn't up to your intellectual standards. 

If you say that Chris Pratt running with the dinos is stupid, then I think you're way out of the target audience. 

As seen here.

Seriously, have any of these people seen a movie before. They're all stupid. Because they're not grounded in reality, which as I've said before, is kind of the entire point. 

Let's move on. 

Here's what else as got the collective internets' panties/briefs in a tight wad up their own asses. 

Yes the lightsaber with two little mini-lightsabers coming out the sides. 

The whole world is up in arms about how impractical this is, because when you're swinging something that can cut through anything around all willy-nilly you'll end up cutting off some part of your body somewhere. 

First let me state something by plagiarizing borrowing a quote from the internet messiah Burnie Burns. 

If you like anything that is "episodic" in nature and is "on the internet" then you can thank him. 

Secondly, I would argue that it is the most practical lightsaber design. Why? Because it helps from getting your hand cut off that's why. 

How many people have had their hands cut off in Star Wars? 

A few. 

Ok granted like half of those were Anakin, but still, the new guy is

just trying to learn from everyone else's mistakes.

Besides there's many, many more impractical lightsabers out there. 

"Oh I'm a guy with tentacles coming off my head that swing around all over the place, sword that cuts through everything that I hold right next to my face? Perfect."

"Short I am, jump up to enemy I must, swing up I do, weapon unrealistic for someone my size it is" 

"Yeah I'm going to lose track of where my four hands are"

"I sure hope that I don't have to swipe too hard to one direction and accidentally cut my self in half" 

"Also I sure hope that no one aims their lightsaber directly down the middle of mine cutting it in half and breaking it"

This guy is genius

Not only is he protecting his hand, he also has it extended longer meaning that he has extra reach on it too. 

This guy has the best lightsaber. 

Now we're talking impractical. 

(special thanks to Dorkly.com for finding my all time second favorite .gif) 

This still being the first.

The Bird I Housesit For

Housesitting, for those unaware, is much like baby-sitting, in the sense that people are leaving their house and they need someone to watch stuff (namely living stuff) so that that stuff doesn't break (namely continues to be living stuff), in the case of babysitting it's watching young children, and in housesitting it's watching pet animals. Why isn't it called petsitting in the common nomenclature I don't know, but it's what we call it.

Maybe it's petsitting in New Zealand, those Kiwis are weird.

Or did I mean the fruit?

Anyway the living stuff that I have to watch consists of one shitzu that thinks it's a human baby, an Australian Cattle Dog that likes to contemplate the universe in the laundry room, 

Like this but in a laundry room.

and a cockatoo. At least I hope that's all I have to take care over, otherwise I might be in trouble with the Animal Cops. (They're on Animal Planet, it's like CSI meets My Gym Partner's a Monkey.) 

If you don't remember My Gym Partner's a Monkey understand that the only thing they did of note was throw in an offhanded Predator cameo in the last season. So it's not like you're missing much.

So anyway, the dogs are fine, but if you have never been with a cockatoo for an extended period of time, then God bless you for you still have Jesus in your heart, for cockatoos are proof that there is no God in this soulless damned existence we live in, just bleak dark abyss surrounding us until inevitable oblivion. 

Understand that cockatoos are not cute little cockatiels, they're not little gray birds with little green feathers and little orange cheeks that sing only of love and friendship. Cockatoos are twice the size, white with yellow top feathers, and soulless black eyes that shine into the a vortex to the center of galaxy where the old ones lay dominant until the ancient one shall rise and consume all of humanity so that the Earth will be ready to be inhabited. 

Cockatoos, as I said before, are proof that God does not exist, for if there was an all loving father, he would not have placed this monster on the world with us. 

Flooding the world to kill all of humanity? Nothing in comparison to the cockatoo. 

For one, their mimicking skills out surpass any other avian peer. You can pretend that your little cockatiel said "I'm a pretty bird" but a cockatoo will stare you straight in the eye and tell you to your face "I AM a pretty bird". 

The cat will kill the bird for food, the bird will kill the cat for fun.

This bird can say the usual things, "I'm a pretty bird", "Hello", "Happy birthday", "R'lyeh will rise again", "Peek-a-boo", you know the usual bird things. 

But it's the other sounds that make housesitting a living nightmare that can only be compared to looking into the mind of the slumbering god himself. The bird can mimic the sounds of the dogs barking, both dogs individually. So it'll bark out "Hey your mom's a bitch" in the voice of one of the dogs, causing the other dog to get all pissed off at the other one. So now I'm stuck with two dogs barking at each other from both sides of the living room, and as I try to calm them down by explaining that both of their moms are technically bitches and that's only offensive to humans, the bird starts to laugh. 

Yes the bird understands humor, you put in Rush Hour 2 that bird will nail the proper laugh timing for all of Chris Tuckers one liners, and she'll give a nice hearty chuckle whenever Jackie does his hand thing. 

You know, he punches something really hard and he shakes his hand and he's like "ooooooooooooh" 

Never mind here's a .gif of something else.

The bird would find this hilarious.

You see cockatoos need constant attention, much like a 7-year-old, but they only know how to get it like 3 month old babies, which is to scream as loudly as possible, also like a 7-year-old.

Now I don't know off the top of my head how high I can year in terms of hertz, but the bird can screech way past that to the point that the dogs have to run across the house howling as loud as possible to drown out the maddening sound while it feels like the left and right hemispheres of my brain have finally come to the conclusion that they can't work past their differences and want to move away from each other but neither one of them wants to live in my skull any more because it holds too many memories. 

i.e, instant splitting headache, like a migraine but with the added benefit of not wanting to curl up in a dark room and cry yourself into unconsciousness but instead it's seriously questioning if humans really do need a sense of hearing anyway. 

Also, she mimics the sound of a smoke detector, which I can only imagine she learned how to do by purposely setting things on fire to learn the sound. 

And it's not like she's going to die any time soon, cockatoos can live up to 70 years old. There's a good chance the bird might actually be older than me, and she's sure as hell going to outlive my aunt and uncle who I'm housesitting for. 

Goddamn it, if I get the bird in the will....

(Picture Unrelated)

Hell, I should put on Snowpiercer and wait and see her laugh at the part that Captain America is talking about eating babies. 

And the sad part is that Cockatoos suffer from chronic self-mutliation, which is a condition that if the bird doesn't get enough interaction it'll essentially get cabin fever and start plucking out its own feathers, which thank God the bird I'm watching hasn't. 

So if it means slowly going insane instead of this beautiful bird harming itself then so be it. Granted I do kinda freak myself out when I talk to her, because I mimic her instead of the other way around, and get's all Doctor Who up in here. 

At what point does it stop mimicking him and he starts mimicking it?

How Over-Rated "Frozen" Is

Let me be clear in writing this, I like Frozen, I'm a "mostly" full grown male and I love all the Disney films. They're always colorful and have that magical feeling to them that I think is truly what makes "Disney Magic" "Magic", that, and the beers at Epcot.

Truly alcohol is the best way to celebrate international connectivity 

Anyway, in saying that, Frozen is not my favorite Disney film, nor is it my least favorite. (Looking at you two for the latter) 

"I can't figure out what the moral to the story is!"

"Let's sing that one song everyone knows and then continue on with an incredibly boring story that explains a moral that has been done hundreds of times before and will be done hundreds of times afterwards in increasingly less creative ways!"

Once again, I LIKE FROZEN, I just feel like it's over-rated in how much credit people give it for its visuals, music, and supposed modern take on the "princess role". 

Since I wrote that sentence like a thesis statement for a state assessment test or some shit, let's just go through it in that order. 

Serious Advice - Take these serious enough to understand that you can't graduate high school without passing them, but don't take them too serious, because after you graduate high school they don't matter. 

(TL;DR - Shoot for Meets) 

OK, visuals in Frozen; they can be summarized with this. 

Blue plastic! 

That's the extent of how "amazing" Frozen gets in terms of visuals. Yes the characters are designed very well, but what Disney character isn't. 

Well that's kinda the point in this case. 

Maybe it's because you can only do so much with snow and ice. It'll always stick to the blues and grays in pallet color, and glass like ice objects have been done before in a million other ways. Not to say that it looks bad by any stretch, it's just it isn't the best Disney has done by a long shot. 

This is magical. 

This is also magical, and the one song that everyone remembers as previously mentioned. 

Not to mention Paper Mario did the whole "ice palace" thing back in 2000. 

(Picture given without context.)

Granted they didn't have as much as a progressive outlook on the role of princesses 

In viewing Frozen, I just don't see what was so visually amazing that caused the movie to stick out so much in the reviews. I think it's not to the fault of the movie, I feel like the older Disney films had larger opportunities to explore visuals because they're 2D and can explore animation; while 3D films have less leniency on the audience's suspension of disbelief. That's why I think Tangled and Frozen are more tied down in realistic imagery than their 2D brothers and sisters. 

Story in ancient Greece? 80's Popart! 

So the music in Frozen, much like the rest of Frozen, (and the rest of Disney in general), not as good as Mulan. Seriously they've never managed to beat these. 

I'll give you a few minutes to remember how great those were. 

I don't care how much world you can see in Aladdin or how much world you want to be a part of in Little Mermaid or how much Hakuna you can matata in Lion King, nothing will beat Mulan's musical numbers. 

Let's get to the two elephants in the room. 

"Let it Go", Yes it is a pretty good song, personally my favorite is "Break the Ice" or "That one that plays in the beginning of the movie" for everyone else. 

"Let it Go" does sound pretty unique in comparison to other Disney songs, but I think that's more to the credit of Idina Menzel's voicing of Elsa, because Elsa does sound very different from other Disney Princesses. 

"BUT SHE'S A QUEEN!" you scream. 

"FINE" I scream back. 

She sounds different from the rest of the female royalty in Disney films. Mainly because they gave her a much more powerful voice to give her more maturity to contrast her sister Anna. Who I had to look up the name for, which is weird considering the movie is much more about Anna than Elsa. Which also may play a role in my opinion that Frozen is overrated since the marketing and reviews about the movie is mainly about Elsa, who is barely in the movie in which she is supposedly the protagonist in. 

"Let it Go" also seems kinda short, which is weird considering "We Are Men" from Mulan is about the same length as it. 

Maybe it's the action in the actual movie as suppose to the song, since there's much more going on in the action during other Disney musical pieces than "Let it Go". 

Continuing the comparison: "We Are Men" is more or less a 80's training montage, and "Let it Go" is just Elsa being angsty on a mountain top, and the big climax to the song is the whole dress changing, while "We Are Men" has Mulan climbing a giant upright log and almost throwing an arrow into the patriarchy's crotch. 

She's about 10 feet away from making this movie a lot more heavy handed in terms of theming 

In finishing, "Let it Go" is good, but not the groundbreaking song that everyone makes it out to be. And I think that's more to do with how Disney animated movies are coming out less often and we don't have Tangled in the recent memory banks to compare to. 

Did Tangled even have a musical number in it? 

Yeah there isn't a lot of recent competition. 

Now onto "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" 

The only reasons why this song is popular is because it's cute, simple, and incredibly easy to sing along with. 

It's OK, at best, I'm not going to stand on a soap box and proclaim to the world that I don't like "Do You Want to Build a Snowman", because honestly the only thing I can remember from it is the line 

"Oooooooooooooook byeeeeeeee" 

Which comes off as cute in regards to the small child singing it, and lazy in terms of song writing. And honestly the parodies are a lot better. 

To name a few: 

Do You Want to Build a Meth Lab? 

Do You Want to Kill a Planet?

Do You Want to Kill Some Rebels?

Honestly if you don't have those knocks stuck in you head until the day you die than you're musically challenged. 

Do-Do DoDo-Dooo 

In closing, the best soundtrack for ANY Disney film ever so far is still this one. 

I got you on a technicality. 

Thought I'd never find a use for this .gif again. 

OK, on to themes. Frozen was heralded as Disney finally stepping into the 21st century and showing us that girls can be princesses and not have to have a man save them and then get married to them. 

I would agree, if they didn't spend the entire 1990's doing that same exact thing. 

Excluding you, young teenage girl who has to get a man to love her and save her from her own mistakes and daddy issues. 

Princess that wants to marry someone out of love and get to know him? 

Been there done that. 

Independent and intelligent female that doesn't fall for all the men swooning for her and goes out to rescue someone? 

Been there done that. 

Badass princess breaks the norms of society? 

Been there done that. 

"But Frozen is the first movie to do all that!" you might squee at me. 

To that I say, "Actually those three ideas are seen in all three of those movies, but you want it more straight forward you just have to look at Mulan 2, which is almost an inverted plot of Little Mermaid mixed with Frozen" I retort in confidence. 

"There was a Mulan 2" you ask in confusion. 

"Yes", I say, "Yes there was." 

Disney was the first to do unnecessary sequels, and then Shriek stole that too. 

"But what about how Elsa tells Anna she can't fall in love with someone she just met?" you argue in a small voice quivering with confusion as your world crumbles around you.

"That's the entire plot to Beauty and the Beast, also Elsa and Kristoff kick it off pretty fast, almost faster than Aladdin and Jasmine" I say breaking another mental pillar of yours. 

If you really want to see a love story that plays out, Tangled does it best. Granted it falls into the whole "isn't she kinda young" trap that a lot of other Disney movies used to fall into, and to that I point out that she turned 18 right as they kissed so she was legal. Barely. (I swear there's some sort of perverted term for that)

And then they got married a day later.

So I think what I'm trying to say is this. 

Frozen is a good movie and it lives up to the standards of past Disney films. It just doesn't tread that far into new territory for the "princess genre" as they call it, and to me it doesn't stick out as much as the over movies made before it and doesn't seem to really deserve all praise that it gets from it's fans, other than there isn't much to compare it to in terms of newer princess films.

And I think that's because I had no friends growing up and I had a large collection of Disney VHS tapes to keep me company, so I probably remember the older films better than most in my age group. 

"What's a VHS?" you ask with wonder. 

It's like Netflix but you keep it in your house.

Still if you're talking most badass Disney princesses than I'd like to point out. 

Once again, technicality.